I woke this morning, remembering who I am after a few days of being really low like numb, anxious, and disheartened, unmotivated and fearful to do things I normally love. I had a reviving dream very lucid and it felt really intent by design someone in my dream was reminding me of who I am it was intense enough for me to remember in detail and to wake up feeling different stronger and capable again.
In reality…
Who would even know who would even care enough to notice I wasn’t okay?
Not one soul, not one single person who I socialised with or waved at in passing or said hello too that day picked up on it… no one.
I remembered in the maze of ups and downs that I have faced the past six months alone (singling that time frame out as it has been filled with changes) that I left my first job Id taken on since having children, it didnt suit me physically as I have pelvic nerve damage agitated by activity I learnt quickly my limits and after a week of a mix of severity’s of pain it’s not for me and I’ve suffered so much that suffering even more physically is not ideal. It made me feel alittle awkward as Im so sick of explaining my chronic pain. Id rather just not go there with complete strangers but we all have to step far outside our comfort zones with chronic conditions and especially pain.
Ive heard others story’s but mine is unique to me it affects me and how I live/chose to do things.
I am the one who has had to over come my demons with this and try my best to make peace with what Im dealing with, I am forever being empowered over and over again after feeling at a loss with myself overloading on the negative thoughts and feelings, my body looks and feels so different to ten years ago when it wasn’t ravaged by pregnancy’s and surgery. It proudly looks the way it does because of what it’s been through the scars and stretch marks that I have on my lower body from the many surgeries the past decade, each serving a purpose that I have endured with the three healthy boys Ive created, and the angel babys that Id lost along the path of having children, Ive grown from my challenges, I’ve had to face alot on my journey into motherhood its mine and its unique and special to me.
What do you do when you reach a place where you have had enough the dust settles and its time to heal?
I have had three years of chronic severe pain, medication and awkward conversations a roller coaster of feelings, shit doctors and people (who crawled from under some rock somewhere into my life) misjudged me and my chronic pain its been messy and lastly people turning their backs on me (whether its because they didn’t believe me or they found arguing with me easier when I needed support the most in the depth of this rollercoaster) especially when I needed that faith in me that strength to help me through I have felt extremely ghosted on the worst of days.
Above all this I have finally had a procedure that has taken the worst of my pain (Epidural Block for chronic pain, another procedure) it has partially settled the severity of my pain to a degree (no more passing out from severe pain!).
I can manage myself much better so far and are grateful to receive relief. I have had a few days where I reflected, I need myself more than ever to just push through and heal the parts of me that have been tortured by severe pain, abandoned/misunderstood by people and pushed aside, left to deal with my greif of losing apart of myself I cherished before all of this accured, its been ruthless living with chronic pelvic pain, losing my will somedays and on several occasions wanting to just give up all together.
There are tales of battles that have been fierce and yet even though Im a shadow of who I was in many ways I am still much much more theres always a light we have a flame that never goes out we hust have to dig deeper to find it. I am enriched with knowledge and patients a new outlook on life, where I stand now Im more truly even more empowered than I give myself credit for, its a choice to wallow in your own self pity, wallow in your own story of “where you are right now” go down with a sinking ship of why me or you make a choice to be strong face those challenges. I feel I have been doing exactly that even though dismal at times, so often I have stood firmly with not an inkling of real hearty support when I needed it the most.
The reality is I advocated for myself my drive, my soul, my inner child, my adult self my core remains very much intact even though the past three years have reshaped my livelihood reshaped me. There is still a beacon of hope for my future a new path to be craved a better life physically and mentally a better state of being, light shining for days, weeks and years ahead.
When you reach a low you understand quickly you dont want to be there and as quickly as you “go low” there is a better day a better life a reason you are were you are and how the balance of highs and lows are nessasary but what you chose to do with them is a choice.
Is there something in these low days you cant shake?
There is a new day ahead filled with inspiration and determination to overcome your demons your low.
If you make a choice to learn and rise you will, believe in yourself your ability to rise above a broken day, a broken you.. but where you ever truly broken?
The key is knowing the difference you will rise up again. Some feelings linger and that is what you need to work through what puts you there in the first place we don’t ask to feel low or negative somedays cant be prevented but as long as you are aware that its presenting itself to you it will pass, just believe in your ability to work through these feelings.
I have stood firmly on my own without much support this keeps coming up I know, I don’t blame myself as when I am aware someone is struggling and reached out Im 100% there but if Im not aware or aren’t included in someones struggle I cant help I dont read minds Im human.
Ive been dealing with quite severe chronic pain, it’s been alot to deal with, so those who know me know I struggle daily it affects my life my feelings.
If you know someone is dealing with things that are out of their control ask them if they are okay and check in, dont ignore them or what their hardships are as you wouldn’t want this for yourself.
Ive found what you do for others isn’t always reciprocated.
I above all else understand my situation is my own and I need myself more than anyone to help myself and I believe its a blessing to not rely on others solely, but to rely on yourself to learn, improve and advocate for yourself in life, relying on others can let you down and who dictates your life?
Quite simply the answer is You.
We are also lucky to have a chosen few to lean on when the tough gets tougher. My husband knows me better than any living soul on earth he is my back bone and the reason I still fight harder we support each other through everything its kindness and passion and sparks flying, we are a team.
Having a revelation of its going to be okay and what Ive been through is important and I don’t need validation from anyone or prove myself in any shape or form to know what I feel is okay and my journey no matter its entirety even though lonely most of the time, I give myself the compassion I deserve the solitude of my own acceptance of my situation and go forth with my head held high.
Never settling with the lows but reflecting on them and being the best version of myself where I can in my life
Cassie x
Welcome Beautiful 