A Journey of Grief and Healing dedicated to my Mother
Cancer tears up your reality it causes ripple effects in your life you never knew you would experience. Losing grip on a loved one to cancer distorts your reality especially when its a parent for me this was my mother.
Do you know of someone who has lost someone dear to them from cancer. It’s one of the most horrible things to watch anyone go through and to experience it is to experience it with them
How do you begin to explain the biggest loss you will ever experience the loss of a parent for me this was my mother. Its the hardest thing to put into words or to express the loss I feel everyday.
In September 2021 my mother found out she had Stomach Cancer and by the end of September early October it became apparent it was Terminal Stage Four Stomach Cancer.
When I found out I was just speechless I felt helpless and unsure what to say its a lot to process because it felt surreal my mind didn’t want to accept what it was hearing. At the same time the little girl inside me just said quietly “if you go I want to go with you mum” because what is a world without your mother, your best-friend, your confidant and first love. The pain that comes with this realisation takes the air out of your lungs and you are facing a life without that beautiful nurturing that only a mother can provide.
My mother sadly passed away at the end of January 2022, she was so fit and strong she was supposed to live well into her ninety’s. I imagined wheeling her about in her wheelchair laughing and carrying on in the retirement home (we joked a lot about it) She was eccentric, she was beautiful the way she dressed.. so I would have imagined the funky outfits she would of worn well into later age.
She was supposed to live forever, I never imagined my life without her no one imagines a life without their mother.
She faced aggressive chemo head on knowing it may provide the best chance for her to live longer, it was hard watching her go through that she would get so sick and struggled but she fought hard trying different methods and a structured diet to keep weight on even though she struggled to eat. I had a call from her and she burst into tears and cried explaining she was doing all she could and she didn’t want to die. She was afraid and her voice sounded the realist I had heard it impacted me I wanted to say the right things it was so hard to hear her like that.
She was 61 years of age to young to leave this earth, she left behind seven grandchildren, her soul mate of twenty years and three adult daughters. Not to mention all the other amazing people she graced with her vitality and presence as she possessed a larger than life quality she had kindness you don’t see these days from many and compassion for people to me a realist she said it how she saw it, an incredibly ability to be positive for others and jokingly make people laugh with her sense of humour she classed herself as a “high class bogan” lol we all kind of are in our own way a family from Christchurch New Zealand living our best lives here in Australia. She was wise and had an amazing way with words she gave the best advice not always on point but she was good with words and totally involved in mine and my family’s lives. She was a talented musician, poet, confident, feminine and very smart, I looked up to her all my life.
As long as I could remember we spoke just about everyday, she would be out early for a jog and we would talk as I had little ones I was always up so early. We would talk about everything nothing was tabo and she caught me up on what was happening in the family, sometimes just between us how she felt about things so I knew what was happening in the family, her honesty was a quality I loved as I am also very honest like her no bullshit. We would laugh situations off and she knew best mother knows best. We had a positive relationship no matter what was happening between me and the siblings as a group of young woman I never felt a struggle for her affection or attention she always knew how to individually treat us. She was always neutral with me, we had a positive relationship and lifted each other up.
She always saw me, and loved me! Mums rock that way if we have a good one in this life we are lucky!
I do spend time reflecting on the fact that another year without my mum is about to pass its coming up to year two so much time has gone by since she was physically here. It blows my mind when I start to think about how much she has missed and how much more she is going to continue to miss as the years go by. There is so much she hasn’t been there for. There is so much she should be here for loving life, writing in her dairy everyday, jogging, picking out a funky outfit to go with her beautiful pigtails she used to don.
Although I may not cry as often and the bad days come less frequently, it seems that with every year that passes, the void that was left the day she died only gets bigger. Every year is another year of firsts, memories, and experiences she didn’t get to be there for.
Every year leaves me reflecting and longing for her to be here even more.
I often say that nothing will ever fill the void my mum left. I wouldn’t ever want anything too. The void there is something no person could ever fill and nothing could ever replace. There is no relationship or bond as unique and strong as a mother and her daughter, and I don’t believe there will ever be something to compare.
Her love was unconditional in a way that it now feels like it was a beautiful dream a life well lived with her in her big beautiful dreams she followed. There wasn’t a person in this world more supportive or loving. She truly was my biggest fan. She was there to cheer me on for my highs, and she was there to give me whatever I needed during my lows.
It would be silly to think anyone could ever take that place in my life. As I get used to this being my life, I can’t help but wonder how different everything would be if she were still here all the time.
Just about every day, I think about what things would be like if I got to have a longer lasting relationship with my mum that wanted and never thought it would be taken from me.
Even though this has become a new normal that I have started to accept and get used to, the void that was left the day my mum grew her wings, still is there and will always be there, an empty place unable to be filled for the rest of my life.
A void so big and so deep that only a mother’s love could ever fill.
I always think of her everyday and I miss her incredibly.
My Mother Judee may you always be in peace (Rock and Roll Heaven for those like you) please say hi to those famous musicians from me!!
The roads always whinding and lifes moving forward but time stood still that day and apart of me stayed there when she pasted away. It didnt move forward
You are my inspiration x
Gypsy Joi Creations 