I am a woman I am a survivor

I am a woman, I am fierce, I am strong, I am kind, I am a mother, I am a daughter, I am a partner, I am a friend, I am driven, I inhibit passion and soul, I believe, I am an extrovert and introvert, I have created life, I have lost life, I have been broken and put back together, I have won, I have succeeded and I will keep succeeding.

In every tear Ive cried and moment of loneliness, moments of happiness and laughter.. I am a survivor and have conquered it all!

I still have myself my wits and my lust for life to live it and to be all I can to be.

But I have had to learn patience and to give myself time and space to allow new beginnings, give myself room to grow.

One day when I felt like a sinking ship under the weight of my life and everything that it encompasses I realised I was totally spiralling it felt like a brief but very real feeling of depression.

I know there are greater things at play happening in my life, amazing things, but a question I have never taken the time to really answer is why does it seem so out of reach some days to be happy and satisfied to find balance and acceptance to feel whole..

Somedays just really suck those ones where you feel chewed up and spat out by the world, by people.. holding the weight of judgement, fear and insecurities from the external world, enduring mental challenges with children, adulting, being a woman being dragged in many directions and feeling alone in all of it somedays.

Well its because I just do…

I feel like I don’t have that feminine vibe/tribe of support, I thought I could rely on to pick me up when I just am not dealing well, for one of a few to just check in on me… Ive felt more than ever how unreliable the people I have surrounded my life with can be.

You know that saying you could be in a room with one hundred people and still feel alone.

I realised I do have someone shes strong, fun, open, loyal, kind, beautiful and unique, listens and has a loving loud and hearty energetic personality, she has so much to give and doesn’t ask for anything in return, she is maternal and a rock always growing and pushing on even if it feels lonely.

That woman is me..

I can get buried under the life I live for my three young boys, my relationship, my passions, my physical complications with chronic pain, my surreal loss of my mother, embarking on a career after children, nurturing my small business when I get the time, being super creative and always thriving in projects, finishing that book I started… That I forget who got me there, the one I should be giving credit to, who wheels and deals with everything who gets by on a wink of sleep and drowns in that morning coffee who has deadlines and some major health stuff evolving around severe pain that will never be cured, who cant go out freely anymore, who has to limit spending and time with extra curricular activity’s all the rest we all know what we inundate ourselves with. Life just absorbs the better part of us sometimes.

One defining thing is we can always rely on what drives us, the gravity of this is I can be all the things I want to be and give myself the push I need as I always have I just have to believe in “her ability” in “her fierce nature”.

Grief and Loss of my mothers fierce feminine energy

When I lost my mother I lost my biggest fan the right kind of medicine of love, kindness and magic only she could give the support on “those days” I had a one of a kind bond with her, she was my best friend. My security and my rock she was the one adult and person in this world I could fully rely on the one person that nurtured my needs something that a real mother/daughter relationship provides security and protection, a soul/energy connection that cannot be replaced.

She “by right” was the feminine energy I was used to, I had been privy to that from day one so 39 years of this eccentric feminine energy was everything, she was incredibly tough to lose. Apart of me went with her when she passed I cant explain that it just did.

I have struggled for two years since she passed to find the right kind of peace when I struggle internally/emotionally. I have also experienced some of the hardest health issues in the past two years without her support or her shoulder to lean on. I have faced those challenges fiercely but more alone than ever. I believe thats what makes it even more special is that I have found the ability to grow and slowly heal through such a surreal experience of losing my mother and walk hand in hand with an authentic version of myself without her (not by choice). I just didn’t see that power I have had all along to do this without her she certainly gave me the tools and the wisdom.

When I reflect I see that power and it reassures me of what kind of a woman I truly am… fiercely independent on so many levels, emotionally mature enough to be honest with myself and not allow people to condition me or put me in a box, I carry myself with vigour through my trials and lessons.

I am a survivor I am a strong woman.

The past two years I have had repeated major pelvic surgeries and other surgery, Chronic (moderate to very Severe) Pelvic pain/Nerve Damage, Battled Endometriosis, Adenomyosis, been given a Pedendal Neuralgia diagnosis, upper pelvic Nerve Damage (all related) and many smaller procedures.

I had lost my home to a flood with a 11 month old, 5 year old and 6 year old we (me and my partner) where homeless and had to start from scratch again a month after my mother had passed from Cancer.

I barely survived this, if I didn’t have the love and support of my partner my soul mate I don’t know if I would be here to embrace what strength it took to survive such a crazy time.

Isn’t it unreal what we carry when we are out there behind our exterior appearance.. I have been told many times even when I was in a-lot of pain from my chronic pelvic pain or really upset about something that you wouldn’t even know it! We are all masters at pushing down how we truly feel.. But we are allowed to feel we can have bad days and we are allowed to be authentic if we dare to be.

“What you see is what you get”

I also have not had the easiest childhood being exposed to forms of physical, verbal, emotional, sexual abuse, parents divorcing, being poor, being well off, being let down by adults who were supposed to do the right thing by me. All very real and true to me.

Going through devastating loss on many levels whether it be someone I love, relationships, loss of my angel babies and the trauma from these losses they are all situations beyond my control, feeling alone naturally can come about through these experiences because not everybody knows how this feels when it happens it can isolate you.

But do yourself a favour enrich your soul, let the veil come down allow yourself to be exposed, truly be vulnerable, love who you are the woman you have become and keep evolving. Be a driving force for yourself!

“You are never lost you are always found”

There will always be situations out of my control that have derailed my life but its all about how I handled them, seeked help and advocated for myself and I have overcome many mountians. You can find a way out (Think the horizon or the light at the end of the tunnel)

I have been broken and put back together more than I can count on my fingers and toes.

But I am more than my circumstances, I go deeper I want to go there I want to find myself “the best version of myself”.

Sometimes it takes alot to look inside and reach deep on days where you feel like melting into the carpet, disappearing into the walls, turning off the volume of thoughts racing through the curves and deepest parts of your mind.

Im learning about coping on my own two feet with the sturdy structures that hold my life in place that have taken years to create and mold, even with the constant changes over the past few years that have been such impactful blows on my life/existence.

My Energy is shifting all the time so I am learning to move with it rather than fight it and figure out whether my worth is valued with who Im interacting with or what I am doing.

I want to embrace unconditional love, connection, compassion, my wisdom and my truth and be honest with myself on decisions that I make.

I cant compare myself to anyone or anyone else’s trials, I embrace others hardships before my own, I listen to others problems before my own.. Maybe because I own my complications I have embraced them.

I don’t get pushed around easily I am a mountain, I am a wild woman who has seen alot for such a sensitive soul and reads energy and body language like I was born to do it.

I hold back when I know it’s right to do so and speak my truth when I should. I am a proud mother my children are my world and I shield them with my life, as I would for my soulmate my partner in life. I am passionate, outspoken and eccentric like my mother and down to earth. I have evolved and you wont catch me in one place for to long as I move forward in my life learning lessons growing always growing I will remember I survived everything I have endured I am proud of the woman Im becoming who I will be in the future.

I am a survivor I am a woman.

Cassie x