There is a particular kind of guilt that comes with living in a body that is in chronic pelvic pain and it feels even heavier when you are a mother, creative/artist selling products to make money and studying a diploma in councilling to eventually work in the field of woman’s mental health. Which is important to me, guilt slides its way into everyday (at some point so much so it spills over into things) when chronic pelvic pain gets in the way of being productive, attentive or achieving goals associated with what I do or who I am as a woman/mother.
It’s the guilt of wanting to give more while your pelvis burns and flares severely/debilitatingly.
The guilt of loving your children fiercely while your body asks you to lie down, slow down and take a beat mentally.
The guilt of ideas waiting patiently while pain consumes your energy. Flare ups from sitting for too long from completing assignments.
Blogging and expressing that guilt into something positive and a way to thrive in all the chaos.
Hoping it reaches the right woman, mother or person living with chronic pelvic pain.
If you live with endometriosis, pudendal neuralgia, or chronic pelvic pain, you may already know this guilt intimately, It doesn’t arrive loudly it settles into the background of daily life and quietly reshapes how you see yourself.
Motherhood and the Impossible Standard to uphold
Motherhood alone carries unrealistic expectations. Add chronic pelvic pain and those expectations become quietly brutal, I compiled a little list of a few guilt driven feelings .
I feel guilt when I can’t get on the floor.
When sitting too long hurts.
When noise overwhelms an already inflamed nervous system.
When I rest and wonder if my children will remember me as tired or sore all the time heat pack in tow.
The crinkle pop of medication blisters popping for pain relief.
Guilt for not taking them on long walks/bike rides like I used to all the time.
On it goes…
All guilt that I live with and want to turn around positively when Im at my worst. Im still figuring this out one day at a time the fight I fight is very real and Im unapologetic for living with something out of my control, that I didn’t do to myself.
But Im advocating for myself and others, making things happen for myself and my care and forgiving myself, when Im doing my best everyday.
I don’t feel guilty for that.
Pelvic pain is relentless because it interferes with the most basic acts of caregiving, sitting, lifting, bending, holding, being present without bracing, physical activitys,energy. Because this pain is invisible, the effort it takes to mother, work, blog or study through it often goes unseen.
But here is something I am slowly learning:
Showing up in pain is still showing up!
Motherhood is not measured by constant activity or endless energy like I used to believe because I was like that before endometriosis, adenomyosis, major surgeries and procedures, pudendal neuralgia, myofascial pelvic pain syndrome over the past five years.
It is measured by attunement, intuition, love, kindness, affection and presence even when that presence looks quieter than I ever could have imagined, there are other ways of being the best mother and be an active participant in my children’s lives it just sits differently, my love never changes thats a force to recon with! Somethings chronic pelvic pain cannot change thats one!
Communication of how Im feeling and sweetly telling my boys “Im resting and doing it to feel better we will approach the activity’s when Ive rested” or can we read a book or tell me about your day or your favourite game at the moment, talking and being present.
Chronic Pelvic Pain and the Guilt Around Intimacy
Pelvic pain doesn’t stay neatly contained in the body it enters into intimacy in relationships. Unwarranted and not easily dismissed.
Endometriosis and pudendal neuralgia can make intimacy complicated, painful, or impossible at times. Desire may still exist, but physically you become guarded when pain is chronic or untreated. And that disconnect can create deep guilt.
Guilt for not being sexually available all the time.
Guilt for needing boundaries with physical activity.
Guilt for grieving the ease that once existed.
Guilt for who I was pre pain sexually but I still am her just unable to fully be her sometimes. Negotiating with my body the limits its created living with chronic pelvic pain.
What often goes unspoken is this:
You are not withholding intimacy.
Your body is protecting itself.
Pain is not rejection.
Needing gentleness is not failure.
Long-term relationships are not sustained by constant access they are sustained by adaptation, communication, compassion and unconditional love. Through changing seasons and being creative around what pelvic pain restricts at times. Showing love or intimacy in different ways, but communication is key.. talking and listening and being open with your partner is so important, being on the same wave length together living while I live with chronic pelvic pain.
Creativity in a Body That Is Surviving
For creatives and artists, chronic pelvic pain carries an additional layer of grief.
My Ideas still come.
My Vision’s still exist.
My Identity is still intact creatively.
But access to creative flow is often blocked by pain, fatigue, brain fog, and flares. There are days where I feel guilty for not creating as if my body is betraying my purpose. But creativity cannot thrive in a body stuck in survival mode.
This isn’t a lack of discipline or passion It’s physiology.
A nervous system managing chronic pain does not have spare capacity for sustained output. That doesn’t mean creativity is gone it means it is waiting for safety. Low output is not creative failure. It is creative preservation, it is still there, the ideas are there the experience to create is there.
When pain is bad.
I search ideas and save them in category’s
I keep my products updated and clean
I set small tasks like cleaning up my art gear, fabrics and tools – refreshing my memory of what I have like inventory.
I keep records of stock and what needs topping up for future creating.
The Exhaustion No One Sees
Chronic pelvic pain requires constant decision making:
Can I sit or do I need to lie down?
Will this activity flare me later?
How do I pace medication and energy?
Will my doctor understand higher pain needs with medication?
What can I give today without borrowing from tomorrow?
Have I slept enough to sustain activity with a flare?
What foods do I eat to reduce inflammation etc etc
This invisible mental labour is demanding and relentless.
From the outside, it can look like “not much happened.”
From the inside, it can feel like everything was managed.
When mental/physical effort is invisible, guilt fills the space.
Rest Guilt and the Female Body
Rest is particularly loaded for women and even more so for mothers.
Rest can feel selfish, lazy and unproductive. Especially when there is always someone who needs something. But for women living with chronic pelvic pain, rest is not indulgent.
It is medical.
It is preventative.
It is essential.
Pushing through pain doesn’t make you strong, it makes flares worse and recovery longer. Learning to rest before collapse is not weakness it is wisdom earned. Im still learning and I have been going through this for over five years.
Grieving the Body You Once Had
There is real grief in chronic pelvic illness.
Grief for ease.
Grief for spontaneity.
Grief for the version of yourself who didn’t have to calculate every movement.
Grief for energy so easily spread and used
Grief of feeling liberated by doing what ever exercise I could want to do
Grief of artistic expression when I wanted to, following through on ideas spontaneously any day or time.
Holding yourself to pre-pain expectations in a post-pain body will always end in guilt. Letting go of that comparison is not giving up, it is adjusting to reality with compassion for yourself and your situation presently.
Different is not less.
Slower is not failing.
A Truer Measure of “Enough”
Living with endometriosis or pudendal neuralgia forces a redefinition of success.
Some days, success looks like:
Choosing one meaningful thing.
Staying emotionally connected Rather than productive.
Resting before your body demands it.
Mothering gently instead of endlessly.
These are not lowered standards, they are honest ones.
A Gentle Reminder for Women Living With Chronic Pelvic Pain
If you are a mother, an artist, worker or studying woman living with chronic pelvic pain and guilt follows you through your days I want you to hear this clearly:
You are not weak.
You are not lazy.
You are not failing.
You are responding to pain that demands your attention and care.
Your body deserves compassion.
Your limits deserve respect.
Your creativity and motherhood are still valid, even when expressed differently.
You do not need to earn rest.
You do not need to prove your pain.
You do not need to justify your capacity.
You are allowed to exist fully even in a body that requires gentleness.
Cassie x
Welcome Beautiful 