What I would say to her now with Love and Compassion for whats to come.
I spent most of my twenties and thirties worrying. I worried about being enough always apologising for this, I am sure it is a childhood thing or something to do with how I was brought up possibly. I was always worried about not being enough and about what others thought of me. I worried way too much about things that were completely out of my control at the time I didn’t realise I had nothing to say sorry for and I was enough. I would worry about the little things, too. It was only a few years ago after my third child and going through chronic pain and the challenges it has dealt me that I began to worry less about others and concentrate on my well being, instead worrying about my health and how it affected my me and how with courage I began a journey of self discovery surrounding my peace and boundaries. 😵💫 My late thirties although dragging kicking and screaming brought a huge shift. A strong need for self care, not giving a sh*t what others think (that doesn’t mean I don’t care about other people, so read on), and the ability to say no without hesitation and protecting my peace after all it wasn’t all about me, in my late thirty’s I had a strong long term relationship and three young children to think of as well.
Advice To My Younger Self
This year, Im rolling head strong into fabulous forty, Now that I’m here, it feels good. It is, like so many things I worried about, not at all the thing I built it up to be. It’s the start of a different new stage in life, and I’m a much happier, stronger, a better (but still working on things) version of myself. I wish I could sit down with my young thirty year old self and tell her to brace for the turbulence that lay ahead and to enjoy everything I could embrace including my mother who would pass away from stage four cancer and that my world would turn up on its head. I lived through a very random natural disaster being flooded out of house and home losing so much. My early thirty’s went from fun and party’s, socialising to baby’s, three miscarriages and by my late thirties Chronic Pelvic Pain Adenomyosis, endometriosis, three major operations and finally a diagnosis of Pedendal Neuralgia (this is still on going but Im slowly working my way to a more pain free existence).
My firsts in my thirties
She was a mother for the first, second and third time, and understanding grief and loss with miscarriage and losing her mother to cancer, she would begin her creative journey and discover her raw potential and hidden talents through all of this and create a platform to share her talents with the world, she would love fitness and healthier choices and loose a-lot of sleep to newborns she would be taking it all in, feel so much and she had so much living to do.
Coming from a beautiful place called Christchurch in New Zealand to Australia, she dated all the wrong guys most of her early 20s , and lacking the confidence she would discover in her thirties. My thirties came to an end June 2023, so I want to share the things I wish I knew in my twenties and really, most of my thirties, too. There’s the very obvious knowing nothing good happens late into a weekend drinking (why did I used to do this) and that large amounts of alcohol (do you need that much alcohol that quickly?) but I have a few more meaningful lessons, too. Here’s what I wish I could tell this girl in the photo.
Stop caring about what other people think
Most of us desire to be accepted and liked, but the reality is that you can’t please everyone and not everyone is going to like you or get your strength your vibe, your special something that they don’t possess. This holds especially true when you follow your own path and bee line towards your goals. Other people’s opinions of you mean far less than how you see yourself there are a-lot of two faced individuals who would love to box your caring forgiving nature and twist it into something different, your original and unique wiser than your years with a baby face that doesn’t seem to age to quickly you are your mothers daughter you are beautiful. If someone takes the time to say something unkind to you, it says far more about them than it does you – so learn to let the negativity go. This goes both ways. If someone tells you how wonderful they think you are, that’s nice to hear, but their statements reflect how they feel about you. Everyone in the world could think you’re so kind and smart and wonderful, but what matters most, is how you see yourself.
It took years and years to get here, but knowing what others think doesn’t matter, disengaging from those who are unkind, and practicing self-care are some of the best things I ever did for myself. I do not seek validation in the form of other people’s opinions. I lead with kindness, treat people well, and am honest – don’t be afraid to speak your mind.
Create your boundaries beautiful its okay to say no
This took years and a lot of misplaced friendships and family disputes but what was it all for? It was all about learning to create healthy boundaries this is one of the best things I ever did for my anxiety. I’d like to deep dive into this a bit more soon, because it is something that has continued to shift for me (in a good way). Boundaries don’t have to be a strict set of rules, but some can be. In the end, It’s about knowing what you need and making those needs a priority for your mental health. Maybe it’s an hour of alone time or more pouring kindness into your thoughts about yourself. Or learning to just say “no” or “no, thank you” without a long-winded explanation because the thought of disappointing someone made me feel like a terrible person took time.
Maybe it’s disengaging with certain people, controlling how you see or talk to a family member who isn’t especially kind, or not being accessible all the time. Creating some ground-rules for yourself and your relationships. Confidence and knowing my own worth played a huge role in my ability to create and stick to boundaries.
Be confident there will only ever be one of you
Being confident can be hard – it took me a very long time to get there. I’m still not super-confident, but I am confident in the decisions that I make for myself and my family, and what I put out into the world. Less than a decade ago, I would want validation about my decisions I was making or leaned on people for comfort when I felt insecure or alone. but it wasn’t that I didn’t know what I wanted or couldn’t make decisions for myself during these times – it was that I didn’t value my own opinion, and honestly, I didn’t love myself enough to make those decisions on my own. I didn’t know who I was yet and thought I didn’t know what did or didn’t work.
Confidence, or a lack thereof, can be a huge issue in relationships and in any situation especially if you are associated with people who don’t value your opinion or is hyper-critical of others. I found sticking to my ideas, my views even though I lacked confidence when expressing them back then and lost people who didn’t deserve a seat at my table. But if you have an idea, share it with confidence. If you love something, own that. Stop comparing yourself to others. You deserve so much more than that.
Stop obsessing over when things will happen but live in the moment more
This was a big one for me. I spent way too much time worrying about things that were, in one way or another, out of my control. I had this plan to be with the love of my life by at least 30 have a my baby’s by 30 and went so far as to build a narrative of these things in my mind I wanted so badly to be a mum as a daycare worker I loved children and knew I would make a fabulous mother because I just adored them. And I wished so hard to meet someone I was searching for him all the while knowing that it may not happen with my crash hot past trial and error. I didn’t really know who I was looking for just someone who could be strong enough to handle me and kind enough to love me even with some deep seeded trust issues from the past… There wasn’t a way to make it work, unless I was patient you have to kiss a few frogs to find the prince. Looking back, I feel lucky by a twist of fate on my 29th birthday I meet this broad strong looking unique man who was by chance like me out of a long term relationship hurt and a-little lost on his path like me, bit we both wanted the same thing no one night stands or wasting time on someone who was one foot in and one foot out we wanted commitment and longativity we wanted a real love and a real relationship we wanted fireworks and connection. I became a mother by 31 with my first child Jay 2015. But he came after a loss at 16 weeks I had to give birth to a still born translucent little boy who we called koby my angel. I had my second boy Koby 2016 (named after his older brother who didn’t see past 16 weeks gestation) then after a 7 week loss and a blighted ovium having an emergency D and C at three months gestation sadly) four years later of trying and just about giving up we had conceived Vann 2021.
Doing these things later than I had planned meant that I was able to live really get to know my partner and understand losing life and appreciate creating life. I grew up quickly after my first loss I wasn’t invincible anymore my reality shattered I was still me but not the same anymore I lost my son it was a tragedy I had never experienced a heartbreak I will always feel, We put way too much pressure on ourselves to do these things that we think will complete us, and put way too much weight on checking certain boxes. And as much as I love my family, I still have wants, needs, and aspirations. Focus on the things you can control. Work hard, surround yourself with good people. The rest will fall into place when and how it should.
Friends will come and go
This might come as a shock to you, but you actually haven’t met some of your closest friends yet. You will also grow apart from some of the people you think are your closest friends. Friendships are complex, and a “lost” friendship can be as painful as a breakup. I didn’t really understand that things would shift in my late 30s, but realized that it’s not a matter of losing friendships as much as it’s about finding out who the good ones are.
Learn to let things go
Holding on to anger and grudges won’t get you anywhere. Will this matter in a few months or years? If not, let it go. And if it will, find a great therapist, and work on it. You’ll make mistakes, say the wrong thing, and do the wrong thing – and that’s ok. Wasting your precious energy dwelling on the things you cannot control will not help you
It’s never too late to make a change
Your career doesn’t have to be your purpose. With all we’ve been through the last ten years, I made some big changes. I really enjoy creating and blogging but am experiencing some social media burnout these days as my life is complex. Im battling to get my new normal away from chronic pain (I am blogging my experience of hysterectomy, pelvic laparoscopic surgery’s and nerve damage, specifically Pedendal Neuralgia). I’m starting to think about next steps of my life now my youngest is starting daycare and Im looking at studying and my career. Thinking about what’s next feels invigorating knowing what Im capable of and how the shift in my life is a gateway to the next chapter. Your career can be something you enjoy, but doesn’t have to be everything, I have a small business called Gypsy Joi Creations I create handcrafted decor and jewellery also I love to write/blog and its my hearts desire to help and support others who have endured hardship with Endometriosis and Adenomyosis to help others navigate these tricky unforgiving diseases. My best advice is to figure out what makes you tick – find the thing that drives you and motivates you, and know that it’s never too late for a change.
Written by Cassie Tansey
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